It is important to note that the only way the crazy train ride can exist is if there are two willing participants, you and your partner. Both of you are responsible for how crazy the ride gets. You are energetically hooked into each other and that is where the power comes from. Once one or both of you “unhooks,” the ride is over.
There are four games that come along with this crazy train ride: the Projection Game, The Position Game, The Waiting Game, and the Enmeshment Game.
The Projection Game goes like this: You both have screens inside your heads and whatever you see or feel about yourself is projected onto your partner. So if you feel like you are not enough, lazy, unsuccessful, not attractive or somehow inadequate, that is how you make your partner feel and vice versa. It is like going to a carnival and looking in the distortion mirror, your reflection is not who you are at all. Remember the childish saying, “I’m rubber and you’re glue. Whatever you say about me bounces off me and sticks to you.” (It actually helps!)
The Position Game goes like this: You both have egos and they need to feel strong and powerful. So you may find that either one or both of you plays “power trips,” on the other, dominating, controlling or manipulating, etc. Whenever you don’t feel free to be who you are in the relationship and someone else is trying to change you, they are pulling a power trip. This game is about who is dominant and who is submissive, each trying to be “top dog.”
The Waiting Game goes like this: You wait patiently for them to deliver on their promises to get engaged/married, have a baby, relocate, or take a trip, etc. When you do finally get what you want, it is after waiting so long that it is anti-climatic. If you’ve ever heard the familiar line “I’m not ready for that in my life now” you are in the game. What is really funny about this game is how after you leave them, they find someone else and give them exactly what you were waiting for! There is the tendency to hope against hope that they will finally “see your way.”
The Enmeshment Game goes like this: If you are overly hooked in/enmeshed, you will put their needs in front of your own. You know you are playing this game, if you are more concerned with their happiness than they are. When all of your love and approval about yourself comes from them, and they take it away, you feel lost, sad, or not worthy. The boundaries between your thoughts and their thoughts are intertwined and confusing. One of you is more committed to making the relationship work than the other.
Obviously these are games where you, your partner, and certainly love does not win, in fact it diminishes love greatly. If you want to learn to love on a higher level, you need to recognize when you are playing and simply stop.
Here are ways that you and your partner may be playing out these devastating and disappointing games.
They are not in touch with their inner selves. If you ask them “what do you want?” they cannot or will not answer.
They attack you with critical assaults, blaming, judging, etc.
They are not open to suggestions on ways to improve the relationship.
It’s all about them (their wants, needs, desires, dreams, worries).
You feel criticized, blamed, judged, controlled more than you feel loved and accepted.
The passion in your relationship is angry accusations, fights, and constant conflict.
They try to dominate and control you.
There is projection and blame (what they say about you is how they really feel about themselves).
There are numerous attempts at a break up, but they never stick.
They overreact to little or imaginary slights against them.
They refuse to acknowledge and “own their issues.” (aka denial).
How you feel about yourself is based on the other person’s evaluation of who you are and you take their words, especially the critical ones to heart.
You feel depleted and disappointed instead of energized and fulfilled.
You see red flags and get intuitive messages but never pay attention to them.
You do all the work in the relationship arena.
Conflict is never really resolved, only recycles.
There are immature and childish reactions from both sides.
You don’t feel free to share your true thoughts and feelings with them.
You say “this is the last straw” hundred of times over.
You tolerate any kind of physical or emotional abuse.
You chose this ride with this person. You do not have to stay on it; however, you must become aware of your part in it, or you will find yourself attracting a similar situation all over again, and feeling like “hey, I already rode this one, what gives?!”
Believe it or not, we need these rides to prepare for higher love. Because our emotional needs are so very vital to our personal fulfillment, when we become more aware of what they are and start to meet them ourselves, we move from immature love to mature love.
You will not get off the ride until you have ridden enough times to know the cycle. To lessen the time, pay attention to what is going on inside and around you. Do you feel self-doubt or suffer low self-esteem because of your interactions with this person? Feelings of sadness, disappointment, anger, confusion, and blame are signs that something is off track.
How are you allowing this to continue? What is the pay off for staying on the ride? Be honest and look in the light and the dark corners of your soul for these answers.
To do so, do you your inner work—journaling, getting counseling/coaching, reading books to understand how relationships work, apply spiritual principles, etc. There is so much you can learn from riding the crazy train ride. And when you learn what is blocking you from getting the kind of love you really want, this sets you up for a truly amazing, soulful, joyful relationship. You are free to attract someone with the same emotional maturity and consciousness level about love that you have developed. With this higher level of awareness, together you will co-create a ride that is enjoyable and that you do want to last forever.
It is very important to learn the difference between need-based love and healthy love. Needful love is really just a strong attachment to someone, where your happiness or unhappiness is tied to the relationship. The primary motivation is to get your childhood needs met. This kind of love is immature and unconscious and will leave you feeling empty.
Healthy love is a strong bond, where each person is responsible for his or her own happiness, and the relationship is a vehicle for personal growth and true intimacy. The primary motivation is to learn how to be a better lover and human being. This kind of love is mature and conscious and will provide a feeling of fulfillment.
As David Whyte said, “Sometimes it takes darkness, sweet confinement of your aloneness to learn anything or anyone that does not bring you alive is too small for you.” All relationships serve our growth, so bless it, accept your lessons, and move on. Keep in mind in order to experience the greatest experience of all, True Love, you have to become what it is that you most want from your ideal partner. So if you need more love, nurturance, or inner strength, then be those things for yourself. You are now hooked back into yourself for feelings of worth, excitement, and love. And that is very healthy and attractive.
The world is one big amusement park. Riding the crazy train gives you the life experience necessary to appreciate the True Love Train when it hits your station. Above all, remember that you deserve to have the ride of your life and to get exactly the kind of love you desire.
Michelle L. Casto is a Spiritual Coach, Speaker, and Author of the Get Smart! LearningBook Series. Her coaching practice is Brightlight Coaching, she helps people come up with bright ideas for their life and empowers them to freely shine their bright light to the world. Visit virtually: http://www.brightlightcoach.com or http://www.getsmartseries.com
Call for a Complimentary Coaching session (361) 232-3939.